Tag: FAMILY

From One Green to Another

If you’re from Michigan you are acutely aware of the tragic events that occurred on Monday, February 13th. Heck, even if you’re not, you likely know about the campus shooting that left three young people dead and five others seriously wounded. Unless you know me personally or follow my blog, you also know that my son started his freshmen year there this past fall. Well, what you don’t know, because I haven’t shared with a lot of people outside of immediate family, is that he decided to leave MSU after the first semester of the academic year. So the good news is that he was not on campus the evening of the fateful shooting, but, as a parent of a former MSU graduate and having many friends with students on campus I was no less glued to the T.V. in absolute terror of what was happening. I’m glad to say all of my friends’ students were safe, but my heart truly aches for families of those students who died that night.

Why have I been silent on my son’s sudden departure from MSU? Well, obviously, no parent is joyous when their child decides to leave college. But for me, in particular, it’s a MSU thing. No, I did not attend the school. However, it was the school I had every intention of attending when I graduated in 1993 when my parents shattered my dreams when they declared that I would not have their financial support if I went “away” to the school that was only one hour away. I sure wish I was more defiant at that time in my life because not attending my first school of choice has been one of my few life’s regret.

Nevertheless, when my daughter attended the school twenty years later I developed pride from being a MSU mom. And I was looking forward to being a MSU mom times 2. But that was my dream, not his. So I had to put on my big girl pants and not shame him or try to guilt him to do what I wanted. That wouldn’t have made me any different from my parents.

Moving Nate in to his MSU dorm Aug 2022

What I wanted most– okay, second to my son continuing his education at MSU, was for him to have a plan for this phase in his life. One of the mottos I’ve been preaching to him since I became aware of it is: Proper Preparation Prevent Poor Performance. So, I reiterated that to him.

“You’ve got to have a plan, son.”

And his plan became enlisting in the military.

Another shocker for me. Another time where I had to put on my big girl pants. I reminded myself, This is his life to live.

Once I was sure that he was sure of his decision to go to the United States Air Force, I got on board and went full throttle into “support” role when you transition from telling your kids what to do to supporting them in the decisions they make.

Walmart run for some essentials the night before he leave Feb 2023

On this day, his last day in our home before his embarkment on BMT (Basic Military Training), I’m holding back my tears that will surely refuse to be held back on the actual day that he leaves. After scouring the Internet about what to expect of BMT (because I’m the one going, right?), I actually feel better about his decision. Over the next two months he will be strengthened physically, mentally, and emotionally, and on the road to true manhood.

What more can a mother ask for?

After Nate’s haircut in the preparation for basic training

In Writing: An Unexpected Hiatus

I’m really not a writer who needs “life” shit to happen to me. I BS enough with my writing all on my own. But, of course, “life” shit happens. At the tail end of August, when I was preparing myself for entering the empty nest phase of my life, taking my youngest child to college he selected, my oldest child drops a bomb on me.

“Umm…Mom, me and the girls need to come stay with you for a few weeks until my apartment is ready.”

Okay. I say. What else was there to say? “No. You and my 2 year old and 5 month old granddaughters can not come stay with me temporarily as you and your husband go through this separation.”

No. The reply was not an option. I am a mother. I am a grandmother. I am a helper. I am a nurturer.

Sooooo, for three weeks, I was full time grandparenting while juggling these two part-time jobs, with full time responsibilities AND trying to supply emotional support to my daughter.

My doll babies

It was rough, y’all. And that is an understatement. I literally did not have the mental capacity to write anything. I don’t even think I opened the damned Google doc. If it I did, it was probably to say, “Dammit! Why can’t you edit yourself?”

The three weeks ended. But it took my mind another few weeks to adjust foreign and sudden silence.

AND THEN October came. Me and my sister’s birthday month. Need I say more?

Sooooo, a few days ago when I came up for air, I finally opened the document and actually exhaled. It was like seeing an old friend that I didn’t realize I had been missing.

Pre-birthday fun with my sister, daughter, cousin, & friend!

Seeing my words with fresh eyes was what I really needed. The writing has recommenced.

Feel Good Friday

This is a strange but awesome feeling to have, especially on a Friday. I haven’t been to work in a week and I was totally okay, happy, in fact, to go to work today. I’m not even mad that I have to work tomorrow…on a Saturday and it’s not even overtime! Man, that’s love. I’m new to librarianship and I’m sure with time, the excitement may lull a bit. But until then…I’m enjoying every moment.

Even more than feeling good about my job, I’m feeling even better about my daughter giving birth to my second granddaughter! I’m beyond excited to be these girls’ grandmother and am truly thankful that God allowed me to live in this moment of my child becoming a mother. He didn’t have to do it BUT He did!

Happy Friday y’all!

If you’re feeling good on this Friday, please share in the comments. That’s how we spread joy in the world.

Naturally Yours

LA

Birthday Behavior

On Friday, October 15th, I celebrated my 46th birthday. I do NOT mind sharing my age because, quite frankly, I’m looking and feeling damn good! Thank you very much! LOL!

Chapter 46

I couldn’t have a had better birthday. The on and off rain throughout the day did not sampler my spirit. I just stepped into my my rain boots that matched the shirt I decided to where for the day.

What’s funny is that just days before my big day, I was feeling kind of blah. After all, 46 isn’t a milestone year or any thing. And interestingly, I was feeling kind of restricted in how I spent the day.

You see…I’ve been dating someone for quite a few months now and, of course, he had to a part of the day. The question was how much of the day. He hasn’t met any of my close friends, though, I’ve spoken about him. But I don’t think I’m ready to intermingle everybody just yet. The other thing is that he’s one of those that doesn’t think birthdays are a big deal. So he was definitely in store for how I do for my birthday.. At this stage of our relationship, I think it was important to not play the day down because how you start something sets the precedence for the remainder of the relationship. Let me know if you agree.

Anyway, we had a great day together. Breakfast, movies, shopping, and concluding with dinner. On Saturday, I dined with two of my sorority sisters. Finally, on Sunday, I enjoyed a fabulous brunch with my sister, my co-host of Conversations Between Widows, and my daughter and granddaughter.

Friends and Family

I love that most of my friends know that my love language is receiving gifts. I received some nice things and I’m also a believer in loving on myself as well.

Gifts, gifts, and more gifts

Finally, because I also enjoy giving, I created a coupon code to give my social media followers a free download of my first novel! How nice of me, right? If you’d like to take advantage of this limited time freebie, click here and use this code WM82B.

Naturally Yours,

L.A.

My Gift for Father’s Day 2021

It took a long time before I got to this point with my father. I wrote about what started it in a story that was published in an anthology Daddy: Reflections of Daddy Daughter Relationships. My father’s first rejection of me, his second oldest daughter, the one he used to call my love.

At the particular time, I hadn’t given up on our relationship. I professed my commitment to our relationship because he was the only father that I had. I didn’t feel that I had any choice.

Then, in 2018, my husband died and my father didn’t push past his own pride and reach out to me, his daughter. Then, in 2019, I suffered a stroke and he still didn’t call.

I didn’t need any other non-action on his part to know where I stood with him. It took all of that non-action, coupled with my ignored text messages and unanswered phone calls to him to finally get.

I gave my relationship with Dad to God and continued to live my life to the fullest.

When Dad’s birthday rolled around in December it everything for me not to reach him. His birthday was etched in my brain like a name scribbled in wet concrete that had dried. I’d never forgotten to call him or text him. This year was no different except that I was deciding to not to call him. I was no longer subjecting myself to his lack of response or reciprocation when my birthday, his daughter’s rolled around. My intent wasn’t to hurt him. I was simply protecting my feeling from being hurt by him.

After no “Happy Birthday”, “Happy Veteran’s Day”, “Happy Father’s Day” from me, something must have clicked in his brain. Suddenly, when October 15th, my birthday, rolled around, I received a “Happy Birthday” text from him.

I nearly fell out of my chair!

After the text for my birthday, I got another one for Christmas. Several months later I received one for Mother’s Day.

I didn’t know what had gotten into my Dad or how long these gestures of love would last? I didn’t know if he was trying to get me back on the bandwagon of displaying the love that he knew I still had for him.

But what I really didn’t know was that these gestures would lead to my Dad inviting myself and my siblings, whom he also had limited conversations with over the years, out to dinner with him Father’s Day 2021.

All I can say is: Look at God!

It’s been at least 20 yrs since the four of us have been together!

Desperately Seeking Clean–The Beginning #1

How long would it take you to realize that your home had been burglarized.  Sometime in  2006 I was living with my then husband and two children in 3 bedroom bungalow  in a not-so-great neighborhood. When I arrived home from work that day, the house looked pretty much like we had left it. Dishes from the night before were still in the sink. The kitchen table was still top-heavy with mail.

I entered my bedroom next. The bed was unmade.  My pajamas were laid on top of the rumpled covers while my husband clothes and shoes were strewn in various places on the floor. The top of the dresser had it usual stuff on it–earrings, mail,  watches, receipts.

It was finally the mattress that caught me eye. Something was off with them. They had been clearly disturbed. My husband and I had a decent sex life  but we’d never knocked the mattresses of the frame. Our mattresses had been lifted up, in obvious search for money, and dropped  haphazardly onto the frame so that the top mattress hung over the box spring.

That was the only clue we had our home had been burglarized. They were obviously   petty thieves, only stealing my wedding ring, that I’d only taken off because I was mad at my husband, and all of my popular DVD’s movie.

My husband had complained about my housekeeping habits in the past,  but it was at this point that I realized I had a problem. I was so embarrassed when the police came into our home to take the report. Surely they were thinking that the house had been ransacked  when that was how it looked on any given day. I knew in my heart that I wanted to be a better housekeeper, keep a more tidy house. Not for my husband, but for myself.

That incident marked the beginning of my journey for desperately seeking clean! And, oh, what a journey it is! I’ll be posting about the journey because pursuing it is a big part of who I am.

Naturally Yours,

L.A.

Wellness Wednesday–Move Week

I have learned first hand over the last several days that healthy eating and moving don’t mix. If you follow my blog, you know that I closed on my new house at the end of September, approximately a month after the initial closing date was schedule. Although I started packing up and cleaning out the apartment in early August, there was still much to done as the movers arrived this past weekend!

moving

After the movers dropped our belongings off at the new house, there was now work to be done at both locations. With no vacations left for the year, that leaves me to do all of this in between full-time work hours, school drop off and pick up for my son. So needless to say, there has been no time to cook.

Thank God for the bag of apples I bought on my last trip to the grocery store!

Between Pizza Hut on Sunday, KFC on Monday, and  McDonalds on Tuesday I have eaten the most consecutively unhealthy than I have in a long time. An apple a day and a serving of greens to go with the chicken and mashed potatoes (with gravy)  from KFC has been the only healthy things to grace my stomach. Hopefully carrying boxes from the apartment to my truck to the house has worked off some of those calories.

However, we’re still not done. But I am not feeling good about these high calorie food selections I’ve been making. Wish I had been stocking up on healthy grab & go foods while I was stocking up on boxes to pack our stuff in.

Not that I’ll be moving any time soon, but if you have any cost-effective, healthy food ideas to get me through the rest of this week, please share them in the comments below. My waistline will appreciate it 🙂

Naturally Yours,

L.A.

Wellness Wednesday: Marathon Anyone???

Who in the world would want to run a 26 mile race? Quite a few people, judging from all the participants on my FB timeline with #freepmarathon in their posts. This past weekend, my birthday weekend, was the annual Detroit Free Press Marathon event.

detroit marathon

The first time I saw this event with my own eyes was on my birthday about 5 or 6 years ago. My husband had gotten me room at the Holiday Inn to enjoy a quiet night of writing. On check out day is when I saw the crowd of people and learned what was going on.

It wasn’t that day that I considered participating. That day came when I came across women in my personal circle, people at or near my fitness level making the decision to do it and training for the big day. A few of them accomplished their goal this year!

My father participated in a marathon once.  He trained hard for it. As a little girl watching him jump rope in our backyard and complete his Saturday morning with an impressive backward jog down our street, I didn’t know that’s what he was preparing for. Matter of fact, I don’t even know when he actually did it. He wasn’t the kind of dad that shared stuff like that with his kids. What I do remember him telling me years later was that one time was all he needed. Just to say he did it.

Personally, I wouldn’t want to train that hard to do something only one time. Then again, I could never fathom running 26 miles. Interestingly,  I have since learned that the event consists of more than 26 mile race. There are events for everyone at all fitness levels: full marathon, marathon relay (a team of 2-4 complete designated sections of the race), 1/2 marathon, 5K, and a Family Fun Run. There’s even a race for people with disabilities.

Now that’s something I can put on my bucket-list. What about you? Do you want to run a marathon (or some other race event)? What’s your plan to make it happen?

You know…you must have a plan, right?

Naturally Yours,

L.A.

Letting Go

I celebrated my birthday on yesterday, October 15th.  My Facebook notifications began chiming as early as 12 a.m. Text messages a few hours later. Birthday wishes from my husband, son, daughter, other family, and closest friends.  A beautiful brunch of fine dining with my husband at a historic mansion in our city of Detroit. A gorgeous bouquet of fall flowers and a scrumptious cupcake from my daughter added to the festivities. It was a wonderful day. I couldn’t have asked for a better day.

Why, then, on the morning after such a wonderful day was my heart saddened that my own father didn’t call or text, at the very least, to wish me a happy birthday? Though I’m not surprised, my feelings are still hurt. Hurt that my father willfully didn’t acknowledge my birthday. Who does that to their daughter who has only shown him love, kindness, forgiveness, and respect?

I wouldn’t be surprised if he was waiting for me to call him for a personal invitation to tell me happy birthday. Honestly, I considered it, then decided not to. I’m in the midst of raising a 13-year old soon-to-be young man, caring for and dealing with the often bad attitude of a chronically ill spouse. There is no time in my schedule to hold the hand of the man who should be the strong shoulder for me to lean on.

daughterdad

According to him, he lost me and my two siblings in his divorce from my mother 5 years ago. Five years ago, meaning all of us are good and grown. He didn’t lose anyone. Instead, he cast us away in the guilt that he feels for intentionally losing our family home to foreclosure so that mother wouldn’t get it; the guilt he feels for turning his back on the daughter he had with another woman at the onset of his marriage to my mother; guilt and shame that he can no longer declare himself  to be one of the last good men around as we know much of his dirty deeds.

Rather than admit that he can’t handle being around us in his unveiled, flawed state, he projects onto us, claiming we have deserted him. In the case of my brother and sister, they haven’t deserted him, but stopped chasing behind someone who will keep running away and blaming them for the distance.

The sympathizer amongst us, I hadn’t gotten to that point…yet. I loved my dad so much and I know that the messages that he hears in head are from the pit of hell, designed to keep him alone, angry, bitter, and filled with resentment and un-forgiveness. I had made it my mission to be there for him no matter what.

“I’ll never let you push me away Dad,” I declared to him a few years ago.

Fast forward to the present, that declaration is slipping from my heart like a freshly peeled mango slipping from my hands. Worrying about whether or not my father will accept my love and my willingness to have a relationship with him is as emotionally taxing as trying to get my husband to stop saying, “This could be my last Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthday, etc.”

Last week I purchased a book: Letting Go: Rugged Love for Wayward Souls. Interestingly, I bought it for spiritual guidance for loving but letting go of some of my husband’s wayward ways. Hadn’t considered that I’d need it for letting go of my father’s waywardness, too.

By the completion of the book and steadfast prayer, I hope to have the following questions answered:

Am I wrong if I don’t call my father again?

Am I acting out of hurt and frustration?

Am I contributing to the problem by letting go?

Will my father ever understand the effects of his behavior on his love ones?

Do I continue to pray for him while keeping my physical distance? Or is it time to trust God to answer the prayers I’ve already prayed?